Am I Crazy?

Sometimes, I am forced to ask myself...am I crazy? I suppose no one can really say that they've never experienced a moment or two when they didn't ask themselves questions along the same lines. 


In general, I have an exceptional control over my emotions, and a great deal of self-awareness. I am usually able to perceive situations from an objective point of view, and not get sucked into emotions that cloud my judgement. I have also seen that my judgement of the said situations usually end up being quite accurate. The point I'm trying to make (albeit in a convoluted way) is that I am usually right about certain things, and my instincts almost never fail me. 


Then why, right at this point, am I shrouded in self-doubt? Then why, when comes to this one situation, am I so torn apart inside, and not being able draw the right conclusion? Is it because I'm too involved in it, too invested in it to see clearly? Does this mean that all the other times when I was able to make an objective perception, I hadn't been involved enough emotionally?


Like the Alligator says to me, it's either there...or it isn't. There's no gray area. 


Now it's up to me ... whether I accept that it isn't there, and that I imagined the whole thing and move on, or ... I pretend it exists. 


Karma is a bitch.

Life lessons have a strange way of sneaking up on you...

Life lessons have a strange way of sneaking up on you, in the most unsuspecting ways. For example ... when you are sitting out in the rain, on a wet pavement getting your undies soaked, crying in your best friend's arms in a foreign continent for a reason that eludes even you. That's how strange life is. 

Last night was a myriad of revelations. It's ok to feel hurt. When you spend all your life having your guards up so high that you barely allow anyone to see through you, you become used to not getting hurt because you just don't allow it to happen (or you're too afraid and keep people at a distance). But there will come a time when you accept that it's ok to feel hurt, because allowing someone to see you was worth it to begin with. And when you feel hurt, it's ok to let someone comfort you and show him/her that you're hurting. As a wise friend said to me once, "That is better than being 80 years old and realizing that you never allowed yourself to...FEEL anything in your entire life."

It's ok to feel hurt. Even when it hurts like hell. You're not numb after all. 

Faith Restored

You know that you'll be alright (and with it, the world) when absolute strangers can put a smile on your face and leave you grinning ear to ear.

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here 

© Sarah McLachlan

--

Smile and be brave. 

I've done it for so long, for so many years...it shouldn't be so hard. 

Except that this one time, it is hard for me. This is one time, I don't feel like being brave anymore.

I accept the things I cannot change, and the best I can do is to continue to have faith in the universe.

"What are the odds?"

Life has a funny way of throwing things at you when you least expect it, that leave you scratching your head and wondering, "What are the odds?" I've been having that feeling lately. 

What are the odds that I'd be here...now...at this point in time...feeling this? For whatever reason,  the kind of emotions I'm experiencing currently usually elude me. But every now and then, they just happen. Then I'm overwhelmed. 

So my current state of mind can be summarized into the following: bewilderment, denial and the eventual quiet acceptance. In the end, the joke's on me. 

This, too, shall pass.

2010

It's that time of the year again, when I get all contemplative and reflect back on the year that's coming to an end. I had started 2010 with a sense of foreboding. I hated the uncertainty that the year brought with it, and not knowing how it would pan out. As it turns out, I had every reason to feel scared. The year has been a particularly difficult one for both me and my family, and one that I will come to see as a time in my life where I learnt to never take anything for granted.

The year started off with not knowing if I’d have a job by the end of my internship, but I eventually managed to get a job offer literally hours before I left Germany. It wasn’t my dream job, but it was something I could do, while I got my foot into the company as a permanent headcount. I went home for three months after that. The first month was great, but the second one was boring as I impatiently waited for my work permit, and hoping I’d be out of Bangladesh and heading right back into work in no time. By the end of the second month, something awful happened to my parents, and I began to question whether I was making the right decision in moving away from home. My parents are getting older…perhaps I should stay closer to home to look after them? I eventually returned to Germany - a decision encouraged by my parents. But I live with the constant fear of losing my parents, of something awful happening to them while I’m not there…or having to face a day when I realize that I didn’t have enough time with them. I like my life here in Germany, but this is something that haunts me, no matter how hard I try to shut it out.

I’ve been a grounded person for most of my life, but never have I felt the need to take a step back and appreciate life for what it is more than now. I am grateful to have a family that supports me and believes in me, I am grateful for friends that I can rely on for strength, I am grateful for being able to get hired during a difficult time, I am grateful for having a roof over my head and I am grateful for good health.

It wasn’t a perfect year. Moving my whole life to Germany for an indefinite period was both emotionally tiring and physically exhausting. I wanted to be back home in my parents’ house every time I needed to deal with my landlord or the internet installation company or sit through a work meeting being conducted in German completely. But then, it was a year of growing up. Despite these hurdles, I am content. A friend of mine said to me once that he is ‘content and approaching happiness’. I feel likewise, and I suppose that’s all we can ever ask for.